Never stop Ray.

Martin, my friend, my brothuh, mon semblable, mon frère, I hoped I’d see you this summer. But soon, yes?

Thank you.

And thank you for dropping by.

P.S. Tell the boys I said: What’s up, motherfuckers!?

Okay Ray,

You asked for some notes on your latest video and here they are: Remember, I was a licensed bartender in the 90’s. From December, 1994 to May, 1995, I slung more booze than a frat boy at a jungle party. The big drink then was Sex on the Beach, which I alone perfected by muddeling an actual peach in the glass.

This video is on Old Fashions. I like the prose here. This series always offers great prose, and I truly appreciate that. As I always say, if the script isn’t worth a damn, the whole thing will suck. The script here is great, but I wanted it to keep going, some voice-over work as we saw in some of your other videos: Gin, Getting Numb with Rum, Sugar My Rim and Tequila Fucks Me Up.

I like the subject: The Old Fashion. I always enjoyed making them. (I bet you didn’t know that 91% of all Old Fashions are consumed by white males between 39 and 79 year old. I bet you didn’t know that.)

Anyway, you do some antics, the single-ice toss and catch, which is nice. I saw that in a Tom Cruise movie, I believe and it’s cute. You’ve got it down. Keep doing it. But there’s another sort of bicep pose you do, a switching of angles at minute 1:34 that I find arrogant and, quite frankly, phony. I mean, it only changes the angle of the booze going into the shaker. Does it make the drink better? It leaves me asking: why?

I like the upbeat, fabulous music. I reminds of Richmond, 1996, when after work, all of us bartenders used to go to an all-night club called Fielding. We got so drunk that there exist no word in the English language to describe it. Some of your fan-boys like Mickey might call it “wasted”, but this was much more than that. And I know you love that movie Barfly that shows alcoholism, but this was a different case. I refuse to explain.

What’s the fucking deal with the bolus of ice now so popular at bars? I see you drop a wad of ice into a high-baller at 2:04 and I just shake my head. That’s bush-league, baby. Those new ice wads REDUCE the surface area on the booze. They’re weak and I can’t believe you’ve gone that way. Go back to crushed ice for pete’s sake.

I like the effort you put into the twist. That fucking twist of lemon is probably bigger than….sorry, I lost my train of thought. But the twist looked huge, menacing even. Do people want nine full inches of lemon rind in their drink? Ask yourself that.

At 2:34 you change gears–it’s a new scene and new lighting. I see you shake Texas Pete or Tabasco into a drink, and I say, hey, what happened to the Old Fashions? There’s no explanation. Are we making something new? What are we making here?

At 3:43 there’s another weird arm pose. I see you’ve been working out for Christs sake. If I were a paying customer, say out with a date, I would have the immediate impulse to reach across the bar and smack your handsome face. I wouldn’t tip. Why would I when you’ve been flaunting your physique in my Lady Friend’s face all night. I think you should shelve that move altogether, pal.

In the end, the video is a success. The music got me dancing. Will you ever do anything with tropical drinks?

At 2:34, that’s Peychaud’s bitters.

Richmond, 1996, shortly after you were out of your Speedo and clobbering pumpkins with a shillelagh, yes?

Thank you for watching and for regarding my face as handsome.

That Zoby guy really dogged ya Ray. In the 90’s you could still get a 6 month bartenders license in a Cracker Jacks Box plus your toy. Envious guy that Dave! Another Classic Ray!!

Oh Mr. Harvey, you bring me pain. Watching this video I just wanted to lean over that bar, and kiss that handsome face! Keeping them coming.

Hiya Steve! That Zoby guy dogged me? Please. That miscreant. That malefactor. That deviant. That fucking fuck. What you’re reading is his insecurities talking — as you more or less point out.

The truth is, he couldn’t sell hacksaws in a jail, let alone bartend, even at a Chuggers.

Thanks for watching, and thanks for dropping by.

Handsome face!? Theresa, my dear, you really know how to make me laugh.

Thank you for watching.

See you in the funny papers.

Who does your choreography? Hermes Pan? Michael Kidd? Agnes De Mille?

Choreography? My dear fellow, I think you’re toying with me. But I’ll take it:

I do my own. That’s why it’s so sloppy.