Everything I Know I Learned From Your F*cking Mother!
  • (Whiskey Wisdom, the first installment, available now for free. Download me here!)


    She was really something, your mother, a real beast.

    Among other things, she believed that the development of the entire human race depends on the development of the individual. The reason she believed this is that she believed each human is an organism of a self-constructed soul.

    Once, some time ago, after heavily petting with her by the pool table, she told me that if you meet a woman at a bar who’s spent her life in educating herself, you’ll drink the rest of your whiskey and rise from the bar a far better and happier person, knowing that a high ideal has for a brief time touched you and sanctified your day.

    Like the sesame-eyed sage of the Green River, she proved that the choice to pay attention or not is the only real choice we have — the very seat of human will — because it is the most fundamental choice there is.

    Only the individual thinks and acts, she said to me after we had had sex for the seventh time that day, and human life is human action.

    The following, she said, after giving me some of the best fellatio of my life, are the axioms:

    Contemplation is the highest human occupation because it’s where actions originate.

    We’re each defined by our actions.

    Our actions, in turn, are defined by our thoughts.

    Human life is human values, and your values are what you most enjoy doing.

    The question, then, is this:

    Will your values promote your life and enhance it over the long run?

    Or are they short-lived pleasures, enjoyable and diverting but ultimately damaging or destructive?

    And that, I guess, is the most fundamental question there is.

    Get her now, while she’s hot!

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About The Author

The sawed-off shotgun of literary pulp.

9 Responses and Counting...

  • Jeff 09.22.2016

    Sadly, these days, values are not highly valued.

    We hold above them the feast. At one time a once or twice a year event of celebration that is now held almost daily. The feast that now days can barely compete calorically against a single Venti pumpkin spice latte with whip. And then there is the competition or sport. It doesn’t matter on what or who that we root for as long as we claim the winning side. A drug gassed cyclist, a quarterback throwing an adulterated ball, or buffoon and crook wrestling in the mud of today’s politics over the worm castings we call a presidency.

    Rome, in all your immense debauchery, can not hold a candle to our bread and circuses.

  • Values are created out of the abundance of the noble human being’s life and strength.

    Said Nietzsche.

    I look forward to joining you for a pumpkin spice latte with (extra) whip. My treat.

    Thank you for dropping by.

  • Yep, I was wondering how long it was going to be before you pulled out your Nietzsche and started waving it around.

  • I apologize.

    It’s just that my Nietzsche is so big.

  • Oh boy, this touches a nerve and inspires me to rant. I’ll try to temper my cynical bitchiness, but my general opinion is: Most people suck. And most people are devoid of values like the East River is devoid of healthy plant life.

    I’m no saint, but I’ve never cheated on anyone I’ve loved, or lied straight to someone’s face, or ever done something to intentionally hurt another. But these have all been done to me. And people do those things regularly to the people they “claim” to love without a second thought. It blows my mind. I had a therapist tell me, “Your problem is you expect others to treat you the way you treat people and that’s unrealistic and setting yourself up for a world of hurt.” So now I just observe people from a cool distance and marvel over their capacity for sucktitude.

    In the last 15 years I’ve seen fathers run out on their kids, men cheating on their wives of 35 years with other women, with other men, men cheating on their wives of 5 years, women cheating on their husbands with two men at one time only to go home, crawl into bed with their loving husband and then fuck him, women getting pregnant to trap their boyfriend, women beating their kids with a belt, men addicted to porn, people addicted to drugs…the list goes on and on.

    I used to believe the Anne Frank quote: “Despite everything, I believe that people are really good at heart.” But then one day I said that to my ex when he was visiting, that in spite of his numerous major fuck ups I never stopped believing he was a good person. And then later that day he went into my wallet and stole money from me. And there you have it.

    So the moral of my long-winded story here is the majority of people are selfish, self-centered, and only interested in instant gratification at the expense of others, and for what? A 4-second orgasm because your wife doesn’t fuck you anymore? 8 hours of a meth-induced high courtesy of the money you stole because you were abused as a child? The memory of the short-lived thrill of double penetration as you go through the motions of your mind-numbingly dull domestic life?

    Yes, those sure are noble experiences to remember on one’s deathbed.

    /rant over

  • Pretty cynical indeed.

    No one in her right mind would argue that the behaviors you describe (and a multitude of others) are, to say the least of it, not good — some much more than others. And yet, and yet…

    And yet human psychology is complex. What’s the saying? Even the just man falleth seven times… The pain-pleasure mechanism, as scientists used to call it, is the fundamental driver of all living things, I believe, fish, flesh, or fowl, and there’s nothing inherently wrong with this fact: it’s just the way of the world.

    I think of good and bad behavior as a kind of spectrum, and we all move along it.

  • I’m going to have to respectfully disagree. You’re implying it’s much more complex than it is and it’s really not. 2 words: Impulse control. If the seeking of pleasure is the primary motivator of people then they are very shallow indeed.

    I have many impulses I indulge as long as I’m not hurting anyone else. It’s the indulgence of the impulses which hurt another that implies a lack of a value system.

    To be clearer, I believe most humans live for short-lived pleasures with no regard for long-term consequences, and those who ultimately hurt another by their damaging choices live lives of quiet desperation and do not possess the courage needed to change their circumstances. Can you actually disagree with me on this?

    You have a crappy loveless marriage? Get out before you cheat. You have a drug problem? A mental problem? Get help before you drag people down with you. Abused? Get therapy, have a rebirthing session, cut ties with your abuser. It IS that simple. I have the most amazing compassion for those who are actively trying to improve their lives. I’ll even forgive you for fucking me over once, maybe twice. But I’ve found bad behavior (ie: lack of moral compass) is often repeated over and over ad nauseum. And because of that, yes, I am cynical.

    It’s all about choices, and choices go hand in hand with values. If you’re not trying to be a better person every day by trying to overcome your demons, then really, what’s the point of life?

  • Tiffany wrote: “Can you actually disagree with me on this?”

    No, I don’t actually disagree with that — not significantly.

    I do, however, believe that children who, for instance, undergo long periods of systematic abuse develop very complex psychologies, and that the mother who beats her baby with a belt buckle is not quite commensurate with the more venial vices you list.

    I also believe that good and bad behavior is a spectrum.

  • In honor of the late Martin Luther King Jr.: “There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies.”

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