Commencement Advice that Won’t be Wasted — To the Graduating Class of 2017
  • Young women and men of the graduating class of 2017:

    You are the magic.

    You are the one.

    You are the magic and you are and the fun.

    You are meant to be happy.

    You are meant to enjoy your life, before it’s done.

    So please, for goodness sake, have fun.

    Use lubricant.

    Don’t drive angrily.

    Don’t stampede the clitoris, like the wild horses of Arabia.

    And don’t, for fucksake, don’t neglect the labia.

    You are a tightly packed pod of living potential. Didn’t you know? You’re waiting to EXPLODE. Your will to believe this about yourself is the most important ingredient in becoming what you want.

    Now, then, at last, your real education begins.

    Now, at last, comes the process of learning that, one hopes, never ends.

    You unfortunately have before you a great many things to unlearn — many things of grave concern:

    There are dogmas, both secular and non, green, blue, and red, that you will have to shed: false ideas, both secular and non, that school has inculcated into your head.

    And yet, and yet …

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