Will You Set A Pick For Me At The Free-Throw Of Life?
  • I’ve got a basketball jones.

    I always have — or, at any rate, for as long as I can remember.

    What’s a basketball jones?

    Ever since I was a little baby, I always be dribbling. In fact, I was the baddest dribbler in the whole neighborhood….

    I used to practice hours every single day, for years. Those years of practice molded me in more ways than I could ever quantify: physically, psychologically, philosophically.

    People who know me now find my basketball jones hard to believe or reconcile with the cocktologist in me, I am not sure why.

    The following, then, is for all the disbelievers — and I say that because it comes up with a certain regularity:

    One afternoon not too terribly long ago, I asked my videographer friend Johnny Morehouse (who thinks I’m deliberately doing an Elvis impersonation starting at the 1:10 second mark of Part 2 [I wish!]) if he wanted to make an extra fifty bucks. He said yes. The following is a fraction of what came out of that ninety-minute session. The video quality isn’t great, but it is totally real, totally unscripted, totally un-doctored.

    I was trying for a full thirty-minute take without a single mistake, but it didn’t quite happen. It doesn’t matter what order you watch it in. They were both shot in the same session, leaving me panting like the dog that I am.

     


About The Author

I was born and raised in the San Juan Mountains of southwestern Colorado. I've worked as a short-order cook, construction laborer, crab fisherman, janitor, bartender, pedi-cab driver, copyeditor, and more. I've written and ghostwritten several published books and articles, but no matter where I've gone or what I've done to earn my living, there's always been literature and learning as the constant in my life.

13 Responses and Counting...

  • Gabe 01.09.2020

    Jesus, hippy!

  • And what’s that at the 4 min mark of the second vid!?!? Fast fuckin hands whatever it is

  • Jesus, hippy!

    I know. It is rather vulgar and disgraceful. Sorry about that.

  • And what’s that at the 4 min mark of the second vid!?!?

    You mean the one I fucked up? It’s called “Spider Legs.”

  • It’s actually not as hard as the low-dribble figure-eights and lemniscates, which are a great treat to the cardiovascular system, that is for sure.

    Thank you for dropping by!

  • Sam

    Still got it!

  • Well, I wonder, Sam. But would you stand by me at the free-throw line of life?

  • Ms.

    Holy shit! That is fucking unbelievable! I’ve never seen anyone perform this mighty act! I see where you get your bartending flinging skills. You can see at the end of part 2 the amount of core strength required for this . And the song tells it all.

  • Holy smoke! Thank you!

  • Holy something, indeed. Smoke it is, Sir Ray. <insert clip of jim carey's char sayin' smokin')

    Listen to C&C, but watch this with the sound off while you do it:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=moeY_ZGWD5o

    And for those who like to dive deeper …

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mt6CbYYTr2U

    and deeper …

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pGFmwXBS0og

    still here?

    payoff:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pwIL19VRRPY

    oh, the jones doesn't stop

    For dessert Chris Rock and Barry White:

  • The Chris Rock and Barry White version is absolutely ridickelus.

    Thank you for dropping by!

  • Doc

    All you’re proving is that you’re a good ball handler and most of us in the industry knew that already, pal.

  • Doc

    All you’re proving is that you’re a good handler of orbs and most of us in the industry knew that already, pal.

    What do you mean I already said that. Are you censoring any comments about handling.

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