A reader writes:

I’m one of these guys with a big belly and an extremely small penis. I’m heterosexual. I drive a truck for a living, and though I’ve never had “whiskey dick,” as you called it in your last posting, I do not get a lot of exercise. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been pained by the size of my penis. I’m seriously considering surgical augmentation (in my late thirties). Do you have any particular insights or thoughts on this issue? Should I, or shouldn’t I?

— Dick Weed

P.S. Pumps don’t work.

Dear Mr. Dick Weed: Indeed I do have insights and thoughts on this issue, despite the fact that, as fate would have it, my problem is somewhat opposite yours. My thoughts are these:

Don’t do it.

Quoting from the gospels:

“A man’s life consisteth of more than the size of his dick” (The Gospel According to Ray, Chapter 1, Verse 1).

Didn’t you hear about the plastic surgeon who hung himself?

Listen, Mr. Weed, when it comes to satisfying a woman, you know the commandments of old:

Don’t stampede the clitoris like the wild horses of Arabia.

Don’t neglect the labia.

I give you a new commandment now: The journey is the way.

Truckdriver, that’s an old German dictum, and what it means is something I’d like for you to take with you from here on out, every time you enter your bedroom, your wife, your rig, or anything else:

Sex isn’t a race, and intercourse isn’t the only kind of sex. There are plenty of things you can do with your lug nuts, digit switches, wrenches, whatnot, and I’m not just blowing your horn when I say this. Several years ago, at the first bar I ever tended, a guest once told me something very profound. He said that his penis was only 3.5 inches — but he swore up and down that most women didn’t like it that thick.

What I’m  suggesting to you, Mr. Weed, is this: learn to enjoy the journey, because the journey is the way. The adventure is found along the route. Your penis is only a small part of it (so to say).

Slow her down, my friend, and I promise that your extremely small penis will be all the penis she needs. It’s not as though you’re trying to make Amarillo by morning (or are you?) Enjoy the process, soup-to-nuts, because as you know, the end comes soon enough for all of us, and all ends are bitter.

Now keep on trucking, big daddy.