Putting the Cock Back in Cocktail — the Old-Fashioned Way

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The sawed-off shotgun of literary pulp.

11 Responses and Counting...

  • martin 09.09.2014

    Never stop Ray.

  • Martin, my friend, my brothuh, mon semblable, mon frère, I hoped I’d see you this summer. But soon, yes?

    Thank you.

    And thank you for dropping by.

  • P.S. Tell the boys I said: What’s up, motherfuckers!?

  • Okay Ray,

    You asked for some notes on your latest video and here they are: Remember, I was a licensed bartender in the 90’s. From December, 1994 to May, 1995, I slung more booze than a frat boy at a jungle party. The big drink then was Sex on the Beach, which I alone perfected by muddeling an actual peach in the glass.

    This video is on Old Fashions. I like the prose here. This series always offers great prose, and I truly appreciate that. As I always say, if the script isn’t worth a damn, the whole thing will suck. The script here is great, but I wanted it to keep going, some voice-over work as we saw in some of your other videos: Gin, Getting Numb with Rum, Sugar My Rim and Tequila Fucks Me Up.

    I like the subject: The Old Fashion. I always enjoyed making them. (I bet you didn’t know that 91% of all Old Fashions are consumed by white males between 39 and 79 year old. I bet you didn’t know that.)

    Anyway, you do some antics, the single-ice toss and catch, which is nice. I saw that in a Tom Cruise movie, I believe and it’s cute. You’ve got it down. Keep doing it. But there’s another sort of bicep pose you do, a switching of angles at minute 1:34 that I find arrogant and, quite frankly, phony. I mean, it only changes the angle of the booze going into the shaker. Does it make the drink better? It leaves me asking: why?

    I like the upbeat, fabulous music. I reminds of Richmond, 1996, when after work, all of us bartenders used to go to an all-night club called Fielding. We got so drunk that there exist no word in the English language to describe it. Some of your fan-boys like Mickey might call it “wasted”, but this was much more than that. And I know you love that movie Barfly that shows alcoholism, but this was a different case. I refuse to explain.

    What’s the fucking deal with the bolus of ice now so popular at bars? I see you drop a wad of ice into a high-baller at 2:04 and I just shake my head. That’s bush-league, baby. Those new ice wads REDUCE the surface area on the booze. They’re weak and I can’t believe you’ve gone that way. Go back to crushed ice for pete’s sake.

    I like the effort you put into the twist. That fucking twist of lemon is probably bigger than….sorry, I lost my train of thought. But the twist looked huge, menacing even. Do people want nine full inches of lemon rind in their drink? Ask yourself that.

    At 2:34 you change gears–it’s a new scene and new lighting. I see you shake Texas Pete or Tabasco into a drink, and I say, hey, what happened to the Old Fashions? There’s no explanation. Are we making something new? What are we making here?

    At 3:43 there’s another weird arm pose. I see you’ve been working out for Christs sake. If I were a paying customer, say out with a date, I would have the immediate impulse to reach across the bar and smack your handsome face. I wouldn’t tip. Why would I when you’ve been flaunting your physique in my Lady Friend’s face all night. I think you should shelve that move altogether, pal.

    In the end, the video is a success. The music got me dancing. Will you ever do anything with tropical drinks?

  • At 2:34, that’s Peychaud’s bitters.

    Richmond, 1996, shortly after you were out of your Speedo and clobbering pumpkins with a shillelagh, yes?

    Thank you for watching and for regarding my face as handsome.

  • That Zoby guy really dogged ya Ray. In the 90’s you could still get a 6 month bartenders license in a Cracker Jacks Box plus your toy. Envious guy that Dave! Another Classic Ray!!

  • Oh Mr. Harvey, you bring me pain. Watching this video I just wanted to lean over that bar, and kiss that handsome face! Keeping them coming.

  • Hiya Steve! That Zoby guy dogged me? Please. That miscreant. That malefactor. That deviant. That fucking fuck. What you’re reading is his insecurities talking — as you more or less point out.

    The truth is, he couldn’t sell hacksaws in a jail, let alone bartend, even at a Chuggers.

    Thanks for watching, and thanks for dropping by.

  • Handsome face!? Theresa, my dear, you really know how to make me laugh.

    Thank you for watching.

    See you in the funny papers.

  • doc

    Who does your choreography? Hermes Pan? Michael Kidd? Agnes De Mille?

  • Choreography? My dear fellow, I think you’re toying with me. But I’ll take it:

    I do my own. That’s why it’s so sloppy.

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